The Art of Mastering Emotions: Transforming Negative Emotions into Your Power

Chapter 1: How I Got into Extreme Anxiety

Every night, after turning off the lights, I talk to my five-year-old son before bed to understand what made him happy and unhappy during the day.

One night, he excitedly told me that during soccer class, a female classmate, A, "threw his entire body from the third floor to the first floor," which almost "scared him to death" and made him feel like he was "going to die." He also said that the female classmate, A, disliked him, called him "ugly," and that another female classmate, B, pointed at him and spoke badly about him.

As he talked, he got more and more agitated, almost jumping out of bed. We talked for nearly an hour until he was too tired and fell asleep.

He fell asleep, but I couldn't. Anxiety began to consume me bit by bit. At 2:30 AM, I woke up from a nightmare, started pacing in the living room, and thought about how to report this to the teacher and principal. It wasn't until 6:30 AM that I convinced myself to go back to sleep and managed to get an hour of sleep. When I woke up at 7:30 AM, I began writing a furious letter to the principal and teacher, accusing the two girls of bullying my son both verbally and physically. I demanded a sincere apology from them and their parents, expressing my anger with trembling hands.

At noon, my son's teacher called to say they had reviewed the surveillance footage and found that the girls hadn't bullied my son but had only dragged him a bit. It seemed like my son wanted to play with them, and it was just playful interaction. I exploded and accused the school of covering for the girls and blaming my son. We agreed to watch the footage at school the following day.

All day, I was engulfed in anger. I tried to control it but found it was futile. I kept talking about it to my husband, unable to stop myself. That night, during my shower, I started feeling guilty, wondering if I had overreacted to the teacher. I spent the night torn between anger and guilt, exhausted. I asked my husband, "Our son is only five; he's in kindergarten. He will face more situations like this in the future. Will my life be filled with endless worries? How can I live such a painful life?" My husband endured my endless complaints the entire day.

Chapter Two: The Mastery of Emotions and How to Achieve It

Fortunately, the YouTube recommendation algorithm at that time recommended a video called "How to Cultivate Emotions" to me. This video was from a creator named "Heart Energy." After listening to it, I was instantly enlightened.

Intense emotional reactions such as anxiety and nervousness are fundamentally beneficial to our survival. For example, when a rabbit encounters danger, it immediately secretes stress hormones to help it escape quickly and avoid danger. However, the rabbit's stress hormones do not harm it because they are instantly converted into the rabbit's strength to flee. After the rabbit escapes, the stress hormones dissipate.

In modern society, when we humans experience anxiety, nervousness, and other emotions, the stress hormones do not disappear. Instead, they persist in our bodies, causing significant harm to our physical and mental health. Our typical ways of dealing with emotions are twofold: 1) suppression or 2) venting.

For example, when our boss criticizes us at work, the stress hormones instantly secrete to help us argue, defend ourselves, flee, or even fight back. But our left brain tells us we can't. Even if we feel extremely wronged and angry, we won't quickly vent our emotions because we fear losing our job. Thinking about the mortgage and our child's tuition, we most likely choose to suppress these emotions. In other words, the stress hormones meant to help us escape danger cannot function. They are continuously secreted, but we cannot use them and can only suppress the feelings they bring. When we realize the other party poses no threat to our survival, we choose to vent our anger, such as at a restaurant waiter, our children, our family members, or our subordinates. Have you ever been so impatient that you yelled at your child? Our ego (the small self) is a sophisticated automated instrument that drives us to quickly define who we need to suppress emotions and to whom we can freely vent.

However, fundamentally speaking, neither suppressing nor venting emotions can dissolve them. For example, after venting my feelings to the teacher on the phone, my emotions did not dissipate at all. Instead, they continued to ferment, so I remained stuck in endless chatter after venting. We've all heard cases of people having strokes or heart attacks due to venting emotions. As for suppressed emotions, they stay in our bodies and express themselves in different ways. Some people overeat, leading to obesity (like myself; see my previous articles); some may develop breast cancer, bowel cancer, or other types of cancer, and some may smoke, drink, take drugs, or even use narcotics. In short, neither venting nor suppressing emotions can dissolve them; instead, they strengthen them.

So, what should we do when facing emotions?

The first step is to become aware of our emotions. Awareness is observing, quietly watching our feelings as if we were an audience watching a movie. This process should be without judgment, as judgment leads to resistance. For example, in the above case, you might unconsciously criticize yourself for whether you should or shouldn't get angry, blame yourself for not controlling your temper, etc. Defining is judging, and judging is resisting. Once there is resistance, observation is lost. Also, refrain from asking yourself why emotions arise. Once you ask, you fall into automatic and unconscious thinking. These analyses and descriptions hinder introspection. Do not provide energy for unconscious thinking but choose to quietly observe the brain's performance. Take up some popcorn and watch its chatter with great interest, listening to the seemingly reasonable excuses and arguments it weaves. You will see that it will keep nagging. When you can fully watch without participating, you separate from the emotion.

Awareness is the first step, creating a critical space. But another step is returning to the breath (i.e., meditation). While focusing on breathing, we pull our consciousness back from the powerful energy flow of emotions and reconnect our consciousness with ourselves, indeed returning to the self.

Finally, and most crucially, enjoy the energy of these emotions, looking at them with an equal, appreciative attitude. Allow these emotions to exist and cooperate with them without resisting. You need to realize that these intense emotions are manifestations of our robust vitality! Who can have no emotions? Yes, a dead person has no emotions. We will have various emotions as long as we are alive and vibrant. Learn to look up to and appreciate these emotions; our emotions are one with us. Unless we deliberately separate ourselves from our emotions, how can they harm us? The wind and rain of emotions coexist with our lives, driven by our beliefs. Emotions are part of our vitality. We must let go of the criticism and prejudice against emotions, restoring them to their original state, to achieve great freedom in life.

This reminds me of the movie "Inside Out." Each of us has attached discriminatory labels to various emotions. We depict "sadness" as a repulsive, fat person, excluding, hating, and even restricting its freedom, hoping it doesn't go anywhere or touch anything. We describe "anger" as a brainless shorty, despising its low intelligence and bad temper, automatically defining it as trouble. We know that once it opens its mouth, bad things happen. For "disgust," "embarrassment," "fear," and other emotions, we portray them with critical and biased images, making them look strange and ugly in the movie. Only "joy" is allowed to be beautiful. The key point that helps the main character, Reiley, overcome her severe anxiety in the movie is that she chooses to accept these negative emotions like "sadness" and "anger" and sees their crucial role in her healing process. When Reiley allows herself to be sad and angry, she is no longer sad or angry.

When we fully accept our emotions, we achieve a healthy transformation. They become a positive energy that motivates us to face and solve problems, thus achieving self-evolution.

Chapter Three: The Term "Emotion Management" Misleads People. What We Should Really Discuss is "Self-Acceptance"

We often hear the term "emotion management." The term "management" implies discipline, restriction, suppression, covering, and control, which is a misleading way to deal with emotions. The phrase "emotion management" is filled with hostility, resistance, and criticism towards emotions. Emotions are our natural reactions to stimuli, much like how you instinctively run when a flood comes; it's an automatic response that cannot be managed or controlled. Moreover, emotions are unpredictable. Just like the case mentioned above, when my child suddenly tells me about their experience at school, my emotions quickly react to this sudden situation. Just as humans cannot predict earthquakes and tsunamis, we cannot predict the arrival of emotions; they happen naturally.

We genuinely need "emotion regulation," which means learning to understand, express, and cope with emotions. How do we know? By constantly improving with awareness during everyday challenges. Through repeated experiences, observation, practice, and summarization, we can become more adept at "emotion regulation."

For example, through observation, I have made progress in handling the incident where my son was bullied at school. First, I was aware of my emotions. Otherwise, I couldn't describe the feelings I experienced so clearly. So, I could wake up at 2:30 AM and still fall back asleep at 6:30 AM. This moment of awareness allowed me to get at least some more sleep, even if it was just for an hour.

Secondly, through this incident, I personally experienced that venting my emotions did not dissolve them but instead strengthened them, allowing them to completely take over my body.

Moreover, I noticed that my mind was deeply entangled in incessant chatter all day, feeling trapped in the powerful energy field of emotions.

I also observed my own criticism of these emotions. When I felt guilty for not controlling my emotions, I was actually defining and criticizing them, which is resistance. So, I quickly lost awareness and fell endlessly into the emotions.

Like in the past five years, I have always worn black tops. Because I wanted to use black clothing to cover up and suppress my anger and anxiety, to make myself appear calm, composed, and unaffected by external influences. I have been criticized by others and myself for being overly emotional. Female leaders are more likely to be labeled "emotional" in society. The monthly menstrual cycle, the process of pregnancy and breastfeeding, and the pressure, busyness, and fatigue of balancing my career and family make me often feel intense emotional fluctuations and their impact on my behavior, such as getting angry easily or feeling low. I believed my various emotions were bad and could harm my colleagues, my child, my partner, and my family, bringing losses to the company, my family, and myself. So, I wrapped myself in black so that others couldn't see the actual situation inside, achieving self-protection and protection from others.

However, suppressed emotions did not disappear or transform; they continuously stimulated my brain with stress hormones, leading to overeating, weight gain, and deterioration of various health metrics. So, at 37, I turned my body into that of a 47-year-old (see my previous article). Like Elsa in the movie "Frozen," she wore those black gloves for years to prevent others from seeing her magic and to avoid her magic from hurting her loved ones. But suppression does not mean control. What is suppressed will eventually be released. She chose to leave and built an ice castle in isolation, representing the release of pressure. Her venting of emotions did not make her anxiety and fear disappear but instead intensified them—the snow monster she created was a manifestation of intensified negative emotions.

Where did Elsa's fear come from?

On one hand, her fear came from a "sense of loss" and "separation." When she accidentally hurt Anna with her magic while playing, she began to fear her magic would harm her loved ones, leading to losing them. At this point, Elsa became opposed to her loved ones and separated from them. Once there is a sense of separation, fear follows. Humans are social animals; "separation" goes against our nature, affecting survival rates and bringing deep-seated fear. The sense of separation can make one unconsciously associate with feelings of "abandonment," "rejection," and "denial," leading to a loss of security, which directly evokes fear.

Elsa's parents constantly told her to hide her magic and not let others find out, making her feel no love and acceptance from them, only denial. This lowered Elsa's self-worth. Her negative emotions, if developed further, could lead to depression, a condition increasingly familiar in modern society. We could boldly speculate that Elsa, in the first movie, was suffering from depression.

So, when did Elsa complete her evolution, overcome fear, and gain inner peace and balance, allowing her to use her magic freely and benefit humanity?

It was when she saw Anna choosing to sacrifice herself to save her. When Anna was about to turn into an ice statue, she used her last bit of strength to block a fatal sword for Elsa, even if it meant turning completely into ice. For the first time, Elsa felt that she had been unconditionally loved and entirely accepted by Anna. Elsa realized that her sister had never judged, belittled, or resented her because of her magic; Anna had always loved her without change. Feeling this intense love, Elsa truly connected with Anna, felt loved and accepted, and the fear caused by separation disappeared. She finally felt secure. She and Anna became one, and she became one with everyone else. When you can love one person, you can love yourself and all beings. At this point, your life purpose appears.

In a previous article “How to Turn Pain into Power Through Life's Storms”, I mentioned a book called "Man's Search for Meaning" by a Jewish psychiatrist who survived a WWII concentration camp. After the war, he helped other survivors heal mentally. He found that when one sees life's meaning, they gain peace of mind and immense vitality. One way to find life's meaning is "to love unconditionally." When you comprehend your life's meaning, you gain a stable core and emotional solid regulation ability.

Therefore, feeling unconditionally loved and accepted is necessary for a person to understand and be able to love! Elsa's sense of separation and fear was caused by her parents' lack of acceptance. But Anna's selfless love and acceptance made Elsa experience true love and acceptance, allowing her innate love to be discovered and restored, revealing her life purpose—unconditional love and acceptance for herself, Anna, and all beings. She achieved inner balance, accepting both her negative emotions of fear and positive feelings of joy. Thus, she became the master of her energy, no longer its slave, freely using her energy without being dominated by the negative energy of fear.

Enlightenment means you can fully embrace two opposing energies simultaneously. Elsa previously only embraced negative energy. When she became aware of the positive energy (love), she embraced both opposing energies, completing her separation from fear and love. She transcended and connected with everything. At this point, Elsa neither suppressed (wore gloves) nor vented (built an ice castle). Still, she transformed it through awareness and unconditional acceptance into peaceful, relaxed, joyful, free, balanced, and positive energy. Her negative emotions were converted into the focus needed to face problems. She no longer tangled with whether her magic was good or bad but focused on restoring the frozen city. Thus, she maximized her potential, helping everyone in the town and gaining strength, confidence, and happiness.

"Self-acceptance" is the key to "emotion regulation."

Next, I began to understand and accept why I had such strong emotional reactions in the above case. After analysis, I learned that my anxiety about my child being bullied at school and my agitation towards the teacher and principal for not doing justice for me were caused by multiple factors:

1. Desire to protect. As a mother, I have a strong desire to protect my child. When I hear my child is hurt, my instinct to protect him quickly triggers, leading to a strong emotional response.

2. Sense of helplessness. Hearing that my child is hurt and being unable to stop or change the situation immediately creates a strong sense of helplessness and anxiety. I feel guilty and angry for not being able to protect my child. I even fantasize about becoming a child myself and going to my son's class daily to protect him.

3. Loss of security. Schools should be safe places. Hearing about my child being hurt at school makes me lose trust and security in the school, causing anxiety and panic. This reaction is a natural response to losing a sense of security.

4. Past experiences. My emotional reactions may be related to past experiences. If I had experienced similar harm or witnessed identical incidents, these memories and emotions could have been reactivated when hearing about my child being hurt. Indeed, I was bullied by a taller classmate in the second grade. Due to work, my parents couldn't care for us four kids, so they sent me and my brothers to a private boarding school. I was only seven, leaving my parents' protection for the first time. One day, while playing by the school fountain, an older boy suddenly pushed me towards the pool, almost making me fall in. My second brother, also sent to the boarding school, saw this and rushed to protect me despite being smaller than the bully. The older boy kicked my brother in the stomach, knocking him down. I cried loudly, attracting a teacher who controlled the bully. This is one of the core reasons for my strong reaction to my son's bullying.

5. Worrying about the future. I also worry about the long-term impact of such incidents on my child, including psychological trauma, loss of confidence, and fear of school. This concern for the future amplifies my emotional reactions.

6. Maternal anxiety. Mothers are highly concerned about their children's health and happiness, and this anxiety is part of motherhood. When I hear my child is hurt, this maternal anxiety is intensely triggered, leading to emotional outbursts.

7. Emotional accumulation. Everyday life may involve various pressures and anxieties, and these emotions may explode upon hearing my child is hurt. For instance, I often hear about school shootings in the US, feeling extreme anxiety and unease about the basic safety of children in the world's most developed country. My child's safety issue became a trigger, causing an outburst of accumulated emotions.

The first and most crucial step in emotion regulation is accepting one's emotions, respecting them, and viewing them without bias or criticism.

Not just "self-acceptance," as parents, we must learn to express unconditional love and acceptance towards our children. Today's education system, aimed at producing tools, evaluates a person's worth based on external conditions. For instance, children who follow the rules get little red flowers. Those who master knowledge according to adults' expectations get high marks, regardless of whether they truly like the subject. Thus, children grow up in a judgmental value system, believing that all love and recognition they receive are conditional, based on being good and meeting adults' expectations. If they don't meet these expectations, they feel unworthy of love. Such children, when facing setbacks in the future, are more likely to fall into depression and struggle to extricate themselves. They will lack emotional regulation skills and be easily dominated by negative emotions. Only by feeling entirely and unconditionally loved and accepted can one truly understand and possess the ability to love, including self-love and love for others, thus finding life's meaning, doing what they genuinely love, and achieving self and societal value.

Chapter Four: All Emotions Are Actually Just Illusions

Back to reality, the next day, my child's father and I went to the school and watched the surveillance footage with the principal. I saw the situation at that moment—my child just wanted to play with the two girls. They were pulling and tugging, pushing and pulling each other. Although the two girls did forcibly pull my son, scaring him a lot, it was clear they had no malicious intent. Moreover, the teachers had already made the two girls deeply reflect on their mistakes. The two girls even cried, realizing they should use persuasion instead of physical force. They had already apologized to my son, and he accepted their apology. They hugged and became friends again.

The video proved that they were just playing all along, and bumps and scrapes are inevitable. It's nothing serious. We, as parents, were just self-righteous, living in the various emotions and fantasies we created ourselves.

Because I completely believed my five-year-old child's one-sided description, I lived in the fear described by his immature language. According to his description—"the girl threw him directly from the third floor to the first floor"—it indeed sounded terrifying because falling from the third floor to the first could be fatal. But the truth was, the girl wanted to pull my son to sit with them, so she suddenly pulled him off the steps. From my son's experience, it felt like being thrown from the third floor to the first.

This made me realize that not only children but also adults often live in the various fears our minds weave, trapped in these emotions, unable to extricate ourselves.

I remember seven years ago (mentioned in the previous article “How I Lost 15 Pounds in 6 Months and Beat My Weight Loss Plateau for Lasting Results”), when I first suffered from depression. It was because I chose to resign and start a business, but I suddenly realized I was not prepared for it. I was devoured by the horror stories I wove myself—I imagined various scenarios, including being thrown out by the landlord because of no continuous income. In fact, our bank savings at the time were enough for us to live for at least six months, and in the worst case, we could move to my parents' house. It was impossible for us to be destitute and homeless. During the startup period, I would fear and hesitate because a competitor raised a large sum of money, imagining myself being defeated by them. In reality, no company is ever defeated by competitors but by themselves, such as failing to adapt to market changes quickly. Humans love to watch all kinds of negative news and willingly let them control us, feeling the world is full of dangers.

In fact, our brains are more sensitive to danger signals out of self-protection instincts, but this also makes us often live in the horror stories we fabricate, unable to escape.

The simple way to break these fears is—to see reality and live in the present. When we close our eyes to meditate, we are initially overwhelmed by these fearful emotions, but our consciousness gradually regains clarity. We begin to feel our breath, the clean air, the sound of birds, the sound of coffee being made, the smell of food, the flow of music, and so on. At this moment, we are safe, fluid, and unified. We simultaneously see our fantasies and real experiences, allowing us to escape these negative emotions.

In a book called "Why Buddhism is True," the author describes an experiment: the researchers fed monkeys juice while turning on a light. The monkeys secreted dopamine, associating it with the light. The researchers repeatedly fed juice and turned on the light, gradually reducing the juice and increasing the light. They found that later, without juice, just turning on the light made the monkeys secrete dopamine and feel happy.

This scientific experiment fully proves one thing—all emotions are illusions. The fact is just the fact; it hasn't changed. What changed were my emotions, our perspective, and viewpoint on this matter. Like the case above, the surveillance video confirmed that the two girls did not actually bully my child. But from my child's perspective, he experienced the great fear brought by being pulled, dragging me into his imagined horror story. However, from the girls' perspective, they just wanted to play with my son. From the teacher's and principals' perspectives, they saw the social skills development of five-year-old children. My son, who used to play alone and didn't dare interact with classmates, finally started interacting with other kids, making the teachers feel gratified.

See? My son, the girls, the teachers, and myself had four different views and feelings on the same matter.

But there is only one fact.

When I saw the surveillance video, all the negative emotions immediately dissolved, needing no regulation.

I realized that when we live fully in this moment of the real world, instead of in the various storylines our minds fabricate, many negative emotions won't arise, and the severe consequences brought by these emotions won't happen. From parental and school conflicts to wars between countries, they almost all result from living in our minds' fearful fantasies and letting them control our behavior. If you have any doubts about this, watch the movie "Oppenheimer" about how the atomic bomb was created. After watching, you will see that human fear has the negative energy to destroy the world and the positive energy to create new things. How we use this energy depends entirely on our wisdom.

Therefore, learning "how to master emotion" is a subject we all need to face, especially career moms who want to develop their careers, take care of their families, and seek happiness. How can we acquire this ability? Only through repeated experiences, practice, and improvement will our hearts become increasingly calm, balanced, stable, and joyful.

Please celebrate each time you complete a practice of mastering your emotions, as you are one step closer to freedom of the heart and, consequently, freedom in life.